I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
