Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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