My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
