I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
