so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
