So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Holy sore nipples Batman
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
