marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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