One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
