you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
