I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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