he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
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I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
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An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.