this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
