Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
