it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
