if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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