I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
