you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
