my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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