I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
