So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
