did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
