Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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