You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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