There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
