literally had 100 drinks last night.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
