Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
