I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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