just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
