I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
