i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You may now shotgun with the bride
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
