I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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