I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
