final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
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He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
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I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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