He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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