...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
