pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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