Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I am naked and annoyed.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
