i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
