hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
