My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
