Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
