Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
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she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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