you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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