I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
