the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
