Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
