You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
