so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
