hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
