dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I want to be your penis for a week.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
