You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
