I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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