Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
