another moral hangover. fuck.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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