I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
