apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
