I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
