He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
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